Lets get Personal-Number 1 Joy?

I have posted a few things lately that have nothing to do with me personally. I like the idea of having themed days because it makes it easier to write and blog more consistently. That being said its time to post about more than a superficial review. so,

–Lets get personal–

Prolog….

I read threw a few of those list , you know the ones like 27 questions about me, or 50 things you didn’t know about me you know like…
  1. what was your first pets name
  2. your biggest fear
  3. your middle name
Blah Blah Blah, extra. I found myself thinking, If i don’t care and its about me why would anyone else care that my last drink was coffee, or what time i woke up today?
So no list, thats just to impersonal about personal information.
Thats when i found a site with this article on it
How to Get to Know Yourself: 29 Questions to Self-Discovery
And yes before you say anything, it is a list but the questions are impossible to answer with one word. or even one sentence so for the next few weeks ill be posting 2 post a week answering one of the questions in depth. And here is the first one.

What activity in your life lights you up with joy?

I guess the one thing that i can think of that makes me happy these days is painting. And not painting for school or a project but the kind of work that comes from pure creativity. I used to have a glass of wine and paint for hours just letting my brush guide me. I took a sober vow for this month so i haven’t had the liquid creativity i normally do. That being said, Its not the reason i haven’t been painting. I just haven’t felt like being creative.

It’s strange though knowing that it would make me happy and actively not doing it. Why do i chose to stay depressed when i know something as simple as picking up a paintbrush would make me happy?

Until recently (like this week recent) I have been struggling to finish my Capstone project of a watercolor comic book. So every time i go to paint all i could think of is what am i doing, i should be working. Which would fill me anxiety and make something i really love in to a chore. Even drawing is painful. To quote my ex….. “Im sorry this has taken your art away”.

Its true this year has poisoned even the most basic of joys for me, and art has always been my way to escape from life and stress. But with the end of the school year dragging closer, my break up, and my  families issues Art has just become one more thing weighing me down.

The Universe, (God, Allah, The Deities, what have you) conspired to send me a message in the form of a fortune cookie from a very bad Chinese food place.

“Don’t be discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward”

That being said I thought, What is the worsting thing about not Graduating this year? What do i have to gain from graduating? I don’t have a job lined up, Im already over the 4 years expected graduation rate. Its not like i’m going to get married like i thought i was when i graduated so…why am i so stressed out? What if i just don’t. Just don’t worry about it any more. Yes i’m out the money for this semester but if thats the worst thing than that isn’t really that bad. And look at all the benefits i could have from waiting another semester. I can actually produce something i’m proud of, I can relax for the rest of this year, I can take back the most basic joy in my life. Art.

This year has taken so much from me. But it wont take this, It wont take my art, my joy, my happiness. And with that declared i have stopped any attempt of finishing my capstone. I emailed my Director and my Adviser and just put it out of my mind. And for the first time in the better part of a year I can breath again.

So for my definitive answer. What lights me up with joy? Painting, Drawing, Creating art for the sake of art.

I hope you enjoyed this segment, The second installment of  Lets get personal will be about = What is something you always love doing, even when you are tired or rushed? Why?